The last two days I have
been thinking about your project a lot. How is it coming? I find myself being
exceptionally lonely here. Especially when everyone is married or
engaged...they talk about their families constantly but have no respect to
listen if I need to speak about mine...since it isn't the same...right? (sigh)
I have been reflecting on the challenges of being a single person in ministry
and how much more people expect from you. Not that I don't want to give my
whole self. Just that I feel used and I believe others feel used also.
I suppose it could
be argued that single people make up this stuff in their heads—but when I hear
from friends like this one, who have the same response to this intangible, not
named indifference—I question if there isn’t something more to the story of
singleness and singlism.
Bella DePaulo is a
writer and a professor who has dedicated her professional life to getting to
the bottom of the singlism that often goes unnamed. (Here is a link to her
blog: http://belladepaulo.com/blog/) In her book, Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Stop It,[1]
DePaulo gathers many voices to take a look at the statistics, the stereotypes,
and the stigmatization that follow single people. She defines singlism in several places but when it comes
down to it, this is the definition that resonated with me most:
One of the most important implications for
the Ideology of Marriage and Family is that adults who are single in
contemporary American society are a stigmatized group. As such, they are targets of negative
stereotyping, interpersonal rejection, economic disadvantage, and
discrimination(Crocker, Major, & Steele, 1998). We refer to this antisingles sentiment as singlism.
While she recognizes
that singlism is unlike many other isms (most of them having potential
significant and/or even life threatening consequences), she admits that
singlism is different. Yet, DePaulo
still commits it to its “ism” form.
It’s an “ism,” she suggests, because of the legal ramifications. It is an “ism” because there is injustice
attached to the status of singleness.
She has demonstrated this through looking at legalities that discriminate
against single persons in this country. Some of these legal consequences
include unjust compensation—in some cases, single people even subsidizing
insurance costs for married people who are given discounted rates for their
spouses and children. The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) allows
that a spouse may miss work to take care of their significant other or children—this
is not always the case for single persons. The social security system allows that married persons can
name their spouses as beneficiaries of their part of the pot should they
die—single persons are not given the right to name a beneficiary. And the list continues…
So… singlism is an
ism. On a personal, day-to-day
level I don’t experience many of these injustices. What I have come to experience is a more subtle, even
elusive type of injustice. On an
interpersonal level I empathize with my friend who sent me that e-mail
today.
You can’t relate
because you’re not married. You’re
perceived as not whole or broken.
You’re fighting the expectation that your life’s trajectory must include
finding a spouse (or for that matter, being found). You’re not quite sure if people are offended by your study—or
perceive it to be a light and fluffy study. You wonder if you maintain your singleness—if your time will
be taken advantage of.
It has been
interesting to ponder the actual injustices. I’m hoping to get more reading done on the subject
throughout the month.
A question for you
if you are single: How do you
bring a name to the intangible, unnamable experience you have in your
vocation? Where are the places
that you are impacted in a negative way because of your vocation as a single person? And, how do you help speaking the issue
present?
A question for you
if you are coupled: What sort of
language do you use about singleness and family? Where do your experiences of your own singleness impact the
single persons in your life? How
can you help single persons to name some of the unjust expectations and
stereotypes?
[1] DePaulo,
Bella. Singlism: What It Is, Why It
Matters, and How to Stop It. Doubleday Books, 2011. You can find the book here on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Singlism-What-Why-Matters-Stop/dp/0615486789/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326314001&sr=8-1
No comments:
Post a Comment